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I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.