I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
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Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker