GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
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Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.