[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
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My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
*has no idea what a book even is*
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone