“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
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*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”