My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
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“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
How to make infinite energy.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy