Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
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Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops