A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
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Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes