paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
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Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.