God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
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Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
pep talk
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.