[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
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my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Everyone’s family
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.