In space, no one can hear…
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My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.