them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
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if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.