My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
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when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.