Still laughing at this stupid meme
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But I really needed water water water
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*