The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
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I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Well, this certainly took a turn
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that