3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
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Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I feel seen.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*