[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
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It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.