me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
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Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
‘I know a black person’
– White people
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically