*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
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When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I falcon love using swear birds
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
This could be us, but you weedin’.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
getting groceries
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”