before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Tammy is short for Tamuel
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.