5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
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if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
same energy
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
True
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT