I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
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*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
What a website
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.