My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
You Might Also Like
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
blocked.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss