Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
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Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”