* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
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China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion