I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
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I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
DOOO EEEET
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.