New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
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ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.