If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
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You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
the rocks need my help
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”