[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
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If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on