No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
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My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Dune (2021)
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked