Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
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*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.