Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
You Might Also Like
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.