“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
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gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
They’re the worst 😩
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
bro what is going on at twitter
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.