stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
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I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Traveler’s camo
Respect
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
#StillHurts
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go