Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
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Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
✌️
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.