How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
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My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Friends that check up on you >
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009