The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
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My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.