How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
😂😂😂
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant