Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
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There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!