Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today