Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
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Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.