Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
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I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?