imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
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person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy