Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
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I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
choose your fighter
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
This January has 47 Mondays
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old