let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
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If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.