Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
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<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
all bases covered
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.