Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
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Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
This is my pinned tweet
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…