My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
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AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.