Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
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Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Is your wife single?
I hate my earbuds.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.